CompletelyHystericalKaibaYamiandFriendsStory
by GuPpY fOwL
Summary: This is one FUNNY and completely CRAZED "episode" if that's what you wanna call it... WARNING: PREPARE TO DIE LAUGHING!


Completely-Hysterical-Kaiba-Yami-and-Friends-Story  
  
By: Evil Pharaohess of the Underworld * * action of character { } authors comments / / character thoughts  
  
Kaiba and Yami where sitting on one of the many balconies of Kaiba's mansion drinking some kind of tea that was a sickening green colour and gazing into each other's eyes.  
  
Yami: * extremely seductively smiling* I love you Kaiba. I'm so happy right now that all I want to do is screw you.  
  
Kaiba: *smiling* Really!?! *suddenly frowns* Hold on, you're not lying to me are you? Because I've wanted to do you ever since you got here and if you're lying..  
  
Yami: *still smiling, speaking in low voice* Of course I'm not lying. Now come on lets fuck. I'm always ready to do you Kaiba.  
  
Kaiba:*very mad*Then why the fuckin' hell did you say no all those times! You jackass!! I don't see why I don't kick your damn sexy ass onto my front lawn!!  
  
Yami: *really angry and pissed* Fine then you jerk! I'm leaving and if you ever try to talk to me, I swear on the head of my hikari I'll send you to the shadow realm! *storms into the mansion but not looking where he is going*  
  
Kaiba: *yelling after Yami* Don't worry your spiky head, you bastard. I don't associate with monkeys! And one more thing, your hikari is a mother fuckin' whore-hound!  
  
Mokuba: *jumps out of the closet in the room that connects to the balcony.* Seto you really shouldn't have made him mad.  
  
Kaiba: Why? It's not like that imbecile is intelligent enough to actually do something to me. {Do you have any idea how much it hurt to write that?}  
  
Mokuba: But I don't get it. Just yesterday, I heard you moaning Yami's name in your sleep, so why did you break up with him?  
  
Kaiba: *really shocked* How did you. um... I mean what are you talking about? And how many times have I told you not to spy on me?*suddenly gets really nervous and sweaty* How long have you been eavesdropping?  
  
Mokuba: Long enough to know that you and Yami weren't having a 'business meeting'. I mean seriously Seto; he doesn't even have a job never mind a business.  
  
Kaiba: * really panicked and frantic* I can explain! Why won't you let me explain!?! Dear God! just let me explain!! *sobbing on knees in front of Mokuba*  
  
Mokuba: *patting Kaiba on shoulder* There there big brother, you can stop pretending. I know you're gay. {What a pathetic sight that would be.}  
  
Kaiba: *sniffling* Y...you do?  
  
Mokuba: Hell ya! It's pretty obvious. I know that every time Yami comes to visit that you're not really duelling. {We all know what they were really doing.}  
  
Yami: *pokes head into room* Um...Kaiba, I'm still pissed at you but I seem to have gotten lost in your mansion and I've been trying to find my way out. Do you mind showing me? {I bet it is really easy to get lost, have you seen it?! The damn thing has its own postal code!}  
  
Kaiba: It's down the hall and to the left, and I'm still pissed at you too. Go to hell!  
  
Yami: Thanks Kaiba.* walks out of room, stops in middle of hall and runs back to Kaiba* Oh and by the way, I hope you burn in hell too. Bye. *leaves and doesn't come back*  
  
Much later at Yugi's house, Yami was still seething with anger, rage, and for some odd reason, hunger. {I was hungry when I wrote this part}  
  
Yami: *sitting on couch, clicking through T.V. channels, eating from a box of lucky charms.* Damn fucking Kaiba and his damn fucking temper problems. Always damn fucking spoiling my mood. I'd fucking kill him if I didn't think he was so damn fucking sexy. Damn fucking large mansion, so damn fucking easy to get damn fucking lost... {Just for future reference, I believe Kaiba is an ugly jerk.}  
  
Yugi, Yami's quieter, shorter, uglier, and all around lamer hikari, was really worried about his darker half. Yami hadn't been this pissed off since he found out that Yugi was dating Anzu, a very friendship motivated loudmouth, who was most likely a hoe or a prostitute. This was Yami's opinion anyways. {You'd think that they'd either both be gay or straight, since they are the same person in a way. And yes for those of you who are wondering, I hate Anzu and I have this thing for Yami, so it's natural for me to hate her.}  
  
Yugi: *worried voice* Yami?  
  
Yami: *still ranting* Damn fucking jackass.  
  
Yugi: *little bit louder* Yami?  
  
Yami: *continues ranting* He should take his damn fucking mansion and go to hell.  
  
{As you have probably figured out, I hate his damn house! It's only him and his brother! What the hell does he need like 30 extra rooms for!?!}  
  
Yugi: *yells* YAMI!?!  
  
Yami: *yells back* What the damn fucking hell do you want?  
  
Yugi: *beginning to get pissed at Yami* I want you to stop damn fucking using 'damn fucking' so much!*calms down* and I want you to stop ranting, you sound insane.  
  
Yami:*crazy insane look* Why don't you damn fucking make me!!! *suddenly looks sad* I'm sorry; things aren't going well with Seto.  
  
Yugi: I figured that much. What's the problem?  
  
Yami: He's being a freaking ass. All I did was ask him if he wanted to screw, when he got all pissed at me! That mother fucking piece of shit. That low life scum of the earth, that.  
  
Yugi: *interrupts Yami* Ok, ok I got it the first time, I get the idea.  
  
There was a brief silence where nothing moved or made noise, Yugi's mouth spread into a sly smile, sort of like a 'I know something you don't' type smile.  
  
Yugi: Hey Yami, don't you think Kaiba could be woman?  
  
Yami: *speaking slowly* No, *suspiciously* what makes you think Kaiba is a woman?  
  
Yugi: Well, he's irritable, and is having rapid mood swings; I'm guessing that he's PMS-ing!  
  
Yami: *really pissed off* He is NOT PMS-ing!  
  
Yugi: *singing to the tune of bingo* K-A-I-B-A, K-A-I-B-A, K-A-I-B-A, Kaiba's PMS-ing!! K-A-I-B-A, K-A-I-B-A, K-A-I-B-A, Kaiba's PMS-ing!! K-A-I- B-A, K-A-I-B-A, K-A-I-B-A, Kaiba's PMS-ing!!  
  
Yami: *still pissed off* Shut up! You and your freaking songs!  
  
Yugi: If he's such a bastard and all the other things you've called him, then why are you protecting him?  
  
Yami: I'm not protecting him, I'm.I'm. Oh fucking hell! I don't know what I'm doing!! I'm going fucking insane!! I'm going to bed!  
  
Yugi: *yelling to Yami's retreating back* But it's only 8:00!  
  
Yami: *turns around* I don't fucking care. *leaves room, stops en route to his bedroom, comes back into the living room where Yugi is still standing* Oh, and by the way Kaiba called you a mother fucking whore-hound. *leaves*  
  
Yugi: *standing in middle of living room in shocked silence* that bastard..  
  
Meanwhile at the Kaiba mansion, Kaiba was sitting at his desk in one of his many offices, in the east section of his mansion trying to do figure out how to work the stapler and fax machine. Kaiba had a hard time with the fax machine, but managed to figure it out after he accidentally faxed a rude and obscene letter meant for Yami to his Grandmother. He also, through a freak accident with a pen, accidentally faxed picture of himself in a schoolgirl's uniform, complete with plaid skirt, white blouse, cream stockings and hot pink high-heeled shoes, to all of the board members, stockholders, and workers of Kaiba corp. The stapler proved more stubborn.  
  
Kaiba: *frustrated* Stupid stapler didn't even come with instructions. So I have to put the paper there. and push down here. Sounds easy enough, all I need. is some paper to test it on first. *finds paper sitting on desk* these will do. *staples paper* Ha! I knew I could do it!  
  
What Kaiba didn't realize was that inside the paper he had just stapled together, his prized Blue Eyes White Dragon cards had just been accidentally stapled together by their owner.  
  
Just then, Mokuba walked in and saw his brother struggling with the stapler. He may have managed to staple the paper, but he also managed to staple the paper to the sleeve of his shirt. Not really wanting to embarrass his brother, he decided to try and calmly broach the subject of the stapler/fax machine problems and its probable connection to Yami.  
  
Mokuba: Hi Seto. What are you doing?  
  
Kaiba: I'm trying to figure out how to use the stapler.  
  
Mokuba: / Guess I don't have to bring up the subject/ why are you doing that? You used to know how to use the stapler and fax machine properly.  
  
Kaiba: * frustrated* so I forgot! Big deal! *notices paper attached to his sleeve* Oh, fuck! How long has that been there!?! I guess I'll have to try again.*rips paper off of sleeve* Maybe I should just use paper clips.  
  
Mokuba: you can't. Remember, you don't have any. You told me to throw them away after that incident where you accidentally stabbed that man in the eye and got arrested.  
  
Kaiba: You had to bring that up. Oh, that reminds me, I have to send another payment to the Government of Canada for that time I got drunk and accidentally burned down the parliament buildings during or trip there. Anyways, so I guess I'll just have to continue to use glue.  
  
Mokuba: *sighs* I'll show you how to use the stapler Seto. {How funny and pathetic is this!?!}  
  
Many bandages and staples in weird places later, (use your imagination), Seto Kaiba had finally mastered the use of the stapler.  
  
Mokuba: Seto, I have to talk to you. Ever since this morning when you broke up with Yami, you haven't been very much like your self, I mean constantly going to the bathroom, forgetting how to use the stapler and fax machine, the list goes on. You know that you still care about him, so why don't you just go and talk to him?  
  
Kaiba: I don't care about that star-headed idiot. I won't go and talk to him because he is a jackass and a bastard. Besides, he said that he'd send me to the shadow realm if I tried to talk to him.  
  
Mokuba: You actually believed that! Boy Seto you really are clueless! It was an empty threat. I heard it remember, I was hiding in the closet. Don't let that, 'I swear on the head of my hikari' crap get to you. He's always swearing on Yugi's head. You already talked to him. Remember, you told him how to get out of the house.  
  
Kaiba: I don't know... *tries to scratch head, but doesn't realize that he stapled his finger to the desk till now* Mokuba, help me; I stapled my fingers to the desk.  
  
Mokuba: Guess we missed a few; if I were you don't take a shower until all the staples are out, you might rust in strange places.  
  
Kaiba: sure, whatever. I'm going to bed. *goes to bed*  
  
Back at Yugi's house, Yami was having an extremely unusual sleep cycle. Instead of the normal sleeping soundly all night long, it went something like this: 8:30- Falls asleep 10:00- snoring 10:20- snoring loud enough to wake the dead 10:40- wakes up to go pee, but was not concentrating, accidentally goes in the bathtub 11:00- has very detailed fantasy that I prefer not to explain 11:10- becomes very hot and sweaty {he was hot in the beginning ^_^} 11:20- throws of blanket 11:35- strips of everything except for his powder blue, smiley face boxers {what a mental image!} If things weren't weird enough for him so far, things were about to get very bizarre. At 11:45, Yami had an extremely disturbing dream, (to him at least).  
  
Yami's hands were handcuffed to Seto Kaiba, and they were running as fast as their legs could carry them. The wind blew in their faces, and the sweat from their bodies stung their eyes and the sores surrounding the chafed area of their wrists where the handcuffs cut them. The two didn't know why they were running only that it was a matter of life and death. That if whoever or whatever was casing them caught up, the results would be disastrous. The woods that they were running through were dense and dark, you could only see as far as you could touch with you outstretched hands. The trees were large and had thick trunks, with branches that stuck to your clothing and clawed at your face when you passed.  
  
Both people needed rest, but it was unheard of for fear that the thing would catch up. Kaiba, with his extremely long legs, kept on struggling to run through the woods where space for movement was limited. They kept running and running not really caring where, as long as it took them away from the thing.  
  
Suddenly the woods began to warp and change, the trees twisting in a very dizzying dance, the ground churning beneath their feet, changing into something that was all too familiar.  
  
The woods had changed into Kaiba's mansion. The two fugitives kept running, and running, but something was wrong. Even though they were running in a straight line, they kept appearing at the same spot over and over again.  
  
Again, their surroundings quickly changed. The tall brunette and his shorter, hotter, purple haired companion found themselves barrelling toward a cliff. A cliff that lead to a fifty-foot drop right down to the jagged rocks below. The two found themselves going to fast, there was no way to stop running in time this was it. The edge was looming closer and closer. They were vaulted of the end of the cliff, because of their sheer speed, they were suspended in mid- air for two blissful seconds that felt like a lifetime. Then down, down, down, they plunged. Forever downward into the dark abyss, both where waiting for the freefall to end, for the ground to come up and smash into them, for their lives to end, but it never happened. Kaiba's ridiculously long coat had snagged onto a nearby branch.  
  
Yami clambered onto a ledge that was close by and large enough to support him and Seto. He reached down with his free hand that wasn't cuffed to Seto to help him up, but before he could the branch keeping Kaiba from falling, broke. He started to hurtle to the ground at mach speeds taking Yami with him, the wind was whistling in their ears, Yami managed to grab on to a jutting part of the cliff, but the handcuffs were under too much strain because of Kaiba's mass. The cuffs couldn't stand it any longer and broke. Seto continued falling and falling, plummeting to the ground below, while Yami managed to climb to safety. He looked down once, just in time to see Kaiba's terrified face one more time before he hit ground. The face of a person who he had failed to help.  
  
Yami woke suddenly. He was all sweaty and panting from the nightmare, he just had.  
  
Yami: I knew his house was too big. I've got to stop eating lucky charms before bed. *goes back to sleep*  
  
Little did Yami know that at the Kaiba mansion, Seto Kaiba had the exact same dream, accompanied by the rude awakening, but blamed it on the stapler and fax machine which was permanently placed in Kaiba's bedroom for some demented reason or another. This was no coincidence, nor was it a nightmare. It was actually a vision of the future sent to the two boys by the sennen tauk, well all except that whole scenery change, it would start of in Kaiba's mansion, then to the woods, followed by the cliff.{just for all those non-Japanese readers, the sennen tauk is what the millennium necklace is called in the Japanese version.}  
  
The next morning, Yami decided to go shopping for some new belts to put around his arms and legs, the ones he'd already owned were currently on the floor of one of Seto Kaiba's many bedrooms. {I'm sure you can figure out how they got there, and if you can't, well then you are either too young to be reading this, so stop, or you have a clean mind, in which case I envy you.} Anyways, Yami walked into a store called 'belts 'r' us' and was greeted by a cashier named Terri. Terri was bleach blonde who had blue eyes with flecks of red and gold. She was always trying to get Yami to take her out on a date, but obviously had no idea that Yami was a fruit and was with the other guy she was trying to get to take her out as well, namely Kaiba.  
  
Terri:*very perky voice* Hey Yami! How are you today?  
  
Yami: Hi Terri. I'm fine.  
  
Terri: You look tired.  
  
Yami: I didn't get much sleep last night.  
  
Terri: you should try aromatherapy. That always helps me when I can't sleep. Hey, I have an idea! My shift ends in about 15 minutes, I can take you to that new aromatherapy place! Wouldn't that be fun!?  
  
Yami:*fake joy* That sounds great, but I have stuff to do and I'm really only going to be a few minutes so I guess we're just going to have to postpone our little trip. O.k. bye! *runs into depths of store*  
  
Just then, who should walk in but Seto Kaiba, Terri's other interest.  
  
Terri:/hmm. Maybe I still can have fun this afternoon./ Hey Kaiba! *still perky* How are you today?  
  
Kaiba:/ oh no! Not her! Why can't she figure out that I'm gay!?!/ Hi Terri. I'm fine.  
  
Terri: you look tired. Kaiba: I didn't get much sleep last night.  
  
They both precede with the same conversation that Terri and Yami had a few minutes before.  
  
Kaiba: I've got things to do today so we're going to have to hold off out little trip until later. O.k., Bye! *also runs into depths of store*  
  
Terri: /I've lost them both in one day! I think there's something wrong with me. /  
  
Yami and Kaiba were both here for the same reason. They needed more belts. Yami was at one end of the store, Kaiba was on the other end. After a few minutes of looking at the racks upon racks of belts, they both noticed a rack of belts right in the middle of the store labelled with a huge sign that said 'Half Price'. Yami started looking on one end and Kaiba started on the other end. Neither of them knew that the other was there, but of course what kind of lame story would this be if they didn't bump into each other. Anyways, Kaiba noticed a nice belt hanging in the middle of the rack. It was black with a large silver buckle. It reminded him of someone, but couldn't quite put his finger on whom. Yami noticed the exact same belt and it reminded him of the one he had left on Kaiba's bedroom floor. They both reached for the belt at the same time. Their hands both closed on the belt at the same time. Both noticed that another person held on to the belt. Both said at the same time that it was his belt and that the other should go to hell. They both recognized the others voice at the same time, so they both looked up at the same time. They both gazed right into each other's eyes, so naturally they both punched each other at the same time.  
  
The belt lay forgotten at one side as the two boys fought each other. Punch. Bite. Hiss. Scratch. Finally sirens. Someone inside the store had called the police. The cops came inside and broke up the fight, but only after one of the police officers got a broken and bloody nose from Kaiba. They were both arrested and escorted to the police cars to be taken to the police station.  
  
Kaiba: look what you've done now Yami.  
  
Yami: I didn't do anything you jackass, you're always blaming me.  
  
Kaiba: that's because it usually is you, you bastard.  
  
Yami: Remember our trip to Canada, which one of us burned down the parliament buildings?  
  
Kaiba: Well at least I didn't hit on the Prime Minister!  
  
Yami: Hey, he was hitting on me.  
  
Kaiba: the man is married! Yami: That doesn't matter, look at Bill Clinton.  
  
Kaiba: Let's drop it o.k.? The cops are listening.  
  
Sure enough, the two police officers in the front seat had their ears to the glass that separated the front seat from the back seat. They had arrived at the police station and the second that Kaiba and Yami were put into their cell, they immediately resumed their fist feud. It got so bad that the officers at the police station handcuffed their hands together to keep them from punching each other. They were both in there for many hours. After some time they were both allowed to make one phone call, Yami called Yugi and told him the story; Yugi said that he would come by the police station to see if he could get yami out. Kaiba called Mokuba and he also said that he would come by.  
  
Yugi: I can't believe that he got his ass hauled in. I'm so ashamed.* bumps into Mokuba*  
  
Mokuba: Yugi! What are you doing at the police station?  
  
Yugi: I'm here to try and get Yami out of jail. I actually saw this coming, he's been all pissed and acting weird ever scince he broke up with your brother. *confused* what are you doing here?  
  
Mokuba: Same as you, I'm trying to get Seto out of jail. Apparently, he started a fight with some person in the belt store.  
  
Yugi: Really? *becomes concerned* O.oh! Yami was arrested for the same thing. at the same place.  
  
Mokuba: You don't think.  
  
Yugi: Yes I do, they were fighting each other.  
  
Yugi and Mokuba: I'm ashamed to now him. This is so embarrassing.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the jail cell, the guard had fallen asleep, and the two people were planning to break out.  
  
Yami: so how do we get out of here?  
  
Kaiba: I've got that part figured out. We'll dig our way out.  
  
Yami: ok genius, answer me this, using what?  
  
Kaiba: A shovel! What else, out hands? *pulls out 2 shovels from out of coat*  
  
Yami: That works. *starts to help Kaiba dig*  
  
Meanwhile, Yugi and Mokuba were trying to use any excuse that they could think up to get Yami and Kaiba out of the slammer.  
  
Jailer: *crying* S.so you two are saying that those two are the only children of an old widow who is on her deathbed with a failing heart?  
  
Yugi: Yes, we are her neighbours. She's in a bad way, not even able to walk to the bathroom by herself.  
  
Mokuba: Hearing that her sons are in jail, I don't think that her poor old heart could take it. *lowers head and looks really sad*  
  
Yugi: Those two are the only thing that keeps her alive, and they are her only source of income. They both have two jobs and only get about 16 hours of sleep a week.  
  
Jailer: *still crying* Ok, ok, you two talked me into it. I'll go back there and free them. *walks into the back of police station* Looks like we can't let them go.  
  
Yugi and Mokuba: Why!?!  
  
Jailer: Because it looks like they've escaped! Sound the alarm! We got a breakout!  
  
While a panic broke out at the police station, Yami and Seto were well on their way back to the Kaiba mansion, and without the handcuffs.  
  
Kaiba: *rubbing wrist* I can't believe how tightly those police officers put on those cuffs! Ow!  
  
Yami*also rubbing wrist* I can't believe that you actually walk around with two shovels in your coat.  
  
Kaiba: This is the smaller one too. Normally I would be able to carry four shovels, a garden hose, and two coils of rope and Mokuba in my pockets. And big deal, you're the one carrying a vile full of boric acid in your pants pocket. Oh, and thanks for getting the cuffs off.  
  
Yami: no problem, thanks for digging us out. Don't those shovels ever poke you?  
  
Kaiba: sometimes but not much. What would happen if some of that acid accidentally spilled while still in your pants pocket?  
  
Yami: I would get an unneeded operation, and would most likely be missing some things that are vital to my body's waste removal system.  
  
Kaiba: You mean it would burn off your.  
  
Yami: yeah, pretty much. Kaiba and Yami: Ow! *both grimace at thought.*  
  
The two fugitives had arrived at the Kaiba mansion, and were now entering the kitchen on the second floor in the west wing. They were both famished, not having a proper meal since breakfast, it was now 9:00.  
  
Yami: *going through fridge* caviar, escargots, ducks a l'orange,. Kaiba don't you have any normal food?  
  
Kaiba: *eating caviar* this is food, what do you eat?  
  
Yami: not this crap. *throws the escargots back into the fridge.*  
  
Kaiba: then make your self a sandwich.  
  
Just then there was a crash at the front door, the police had found them! Kaiba pulled Yami away from the fridge and was dragging him across the hall and started to tell Yami that the police were here. there was too much noise outside to hear Kaiba properly. The only word he heard was police. Yami started to run like hell, with Kaiba lead-in the way.  
  
They escaped and got outside but still they kept running. They ran write into the forest surrounding the Kaiba property, and still kept on running. They ran so fast they didn't realize that they ran off a cliff until it was too late. They were caught in a headlong dive until Kaiba's ridiculously long coat got caught on a branch, just like in the dream. Everything proceeded like the dream, which includes Kaiba falling, but Yami managed to catch him and pull him to safety.  
  
They both climbed back up the cliff and sat there facing each other, and trying to think of something to say to each other, Kaiba went first.  
  
Kaiba: Yami, I'm sorry about yesterday. I was acting like a jerk.  
  
Yami: You are forgiven.  
  
Just then, they both heard sirens blaring. It was the police.  
  
Yami and Kaiba: RUN!!  
  
The End  
  
Epilogue They were both recaptured and taken into custody Yami was charged with carrying an acid Kaiba was charged with assaulting a police officer and carrying shovels in his pockets Mokuba and Yugi were charged with association with the fugitives and lying to the police Kaiba and Yami are both serving a sentence of 10 months of sponge bathing the elderly Kaiba's grandmother never spoke to him again and his company went totally broke because of the picture incident Kaiba is wanted by the Canadian government for burning down the parliament buildings Yami has a date with the prime minister 


End file.
